Oh geez is blogging hard for me. Honestly most of the time I forget to write down my thoughts or my entire thought disappears once i've thought it lol.
As of recently a fuck ton has been happening with my family. Which forced me to put a lot of thought into what life means and what I want to make out of it.
I feel as though (at least for those of you who have followed me thus far) you have seen my journey of talking about being sexually assaulted, opening up about who I am, and where I come from.
All of which has been such a healing process. And within the last year or so I feel that I have mostly done a lot of fine tuning.
By fine tuning I mean, wondering why we think the way we do, why we hold such expectations, and what it really takes to fully heal.
I started this website, blog, modeling, photography, public speaking and everything else two years ago and honestly the past two years have been the hardest but also the most freeing years of my life.
I lost the person I was in love with, started to go through the healing process from my assault, but mostly found out who I was.
Trust me the journey is not easy and I think it takes a constant reminder to keep going everyday but also to believe that you can.
Ive noticed for a lot of us this is the hardest part. Believing in yourself and not comparing yourself to others.
Now, I don't have all of the answers but I think one way to start is by being as open and vulnerable as possible. Talk to people, open up about who you are, tell your story, and connect.
We have a way of letting fear get in the way of that. Which trust me I can attest too.
and in these last two years I have done exactly what I just brought up.
Compared myself to others. In ALL aspects of what I do.
I compared myself to other models, my ex- who is also a photographer, and even the girl that he started to date.
Always wondering if I'd ever be good enough and even worse if I'd forgive myself or ever move forward.
Literally, anything I could compare to myself that I saw as better I did and because of this perspective I tore myself down.
It was easy.
Easy to believe every word I said. Every horrible thing I did and torture myself. Hopeless of any sort of future.
and honestly, although i've been working on myself and fine tuning within this last year. It hasn't been until the past few months that my perspective has changed.
Unfortunately, a lot of it had to do with whats going on with my family.
My stepmom was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer that spread to her liver, lungs, and has continued to spike.
She was quoted a few months to live in October.
Since that day my family has been devastated and strives to give her everything while hoping for a miracle.
Since that day I've watched my family struggle with this truth.
What does life mean? and what if this is exactly what it is...
and then I fucking realized
Life is suppose to be this hard and we are supposed to learn from each experience.
and if it wasn't.. What was the point of being here.
You see, I think we have a choice. If we really think about it and allow ourselves to be completely alone with our thoughts. We are aware and conscious of our emotions and souls. And in that moment we can choose to let ourselves continue to be full of fear of the future, or what could happen, sad, torture ourselves, compare ourselves to others, allow ourselves to let our emotions to take control... Or... MAYBE JUST MAYBE choose to be better.
This is one of the hardest times of my life because I can't control the situation. I can't stop her from being sick and its different trust me than being sexually assaulted... because at least in that situation I knew that I had control over the fact that I could heal from it.
However, in these few months and moments I decided and made a choice to not only continue to better myself but to love and give every part of myself to this world and each and every one of you.
Because at least by having these horrible experience which I would never wish upon anyone I can share the lessons i've learned and inspire you to see the world differently.
The hard experiences differently.
We are suppose to learn from our mistakes, from people who hurt us, from situations we cant control.
And I believe every time we do.. we are a step closer to our own truths. The ultimate truth.
So THANK YOU cancer, THANK YOU to the models i've compared myself too, THANK YOU to my ex and the girl he's dating and THANK YOU ***** for assaulting me.
I would have never experienced life as whole or as true as I am now if it wasn't for you and I wouldn't have the courage to give my heart and soul to making a difference in this world.
I CHOOSE to show Love & Compassion in every situation no matter how many times I get hurt.
What do you choose?